Wisdom Teeth
by Oneturtledove
Summary: They do everything else together... why not oral surgery? Crack fic


Disclaimer: Not mine.

Spoilers: None

A/N: This is for Brittney because she has to get her wisdom teeth out and she's afeered. So, the best way to get over a fear? Make Mulder and Scully go through it of course! Our fearless duo really cannot hold their painkillers...

* * *

Scully flopped down in the chair next to Mulder and sighed. She hated this place. The smell, the magazines, the snippy receptionist.

"What's the matter?"

"I have wisdom teeth. And they have to come out."

"Yeah?"

"This is not funny."

"You're a doctor. This shouldn't bother you."

"I'm a doctor, not a dentist. No one should be allowed to touch my teeth. They are mine. And if I want them all to myself, that's my business."

"You're a wimp."

"Leave me alone."

"Mr. Mulder, Doctor Whittaker is ready for you now," the hygienist called, flashing her pearly whites- the ones Scully suspected were veneers.

"Wish me luck."

"I hope you need a root canal."

He chuckled and followed the hygienist down the hall, and Scully opened up an old _Readers Digest_. She really didn't want to have to get her wisdom teeth out. Medical procedures she understood. She was comfortable with them. But dental work was not her cup of tea. It was more like her cup of arsenic.

She sat quietly for almost 45 minutes before Mulder joined her. He had the same hang-dog expression that she had had.

"You too?"

"We're like the frickin' Bobsey Twins or something, Scully. We should be studied."

"We should get them out at the same time."

"We usually do suffer together."

"Mulder... I don't want to do this."

"You've been through worse. We both have."

"But they're my teeth."

"They've gotta go."

* * *

_One Month Later_

"Scully, I don't even know what I'm allergic to," Mulder complained as he tried to fill out his forms for the oral surgeon. Scully chuckled a little.

"I don't know what I'm allergic to either."

Maggie glanced up from her magazine and held back a laugh as Mulder and Scully swapped clipboards. They both wrote for a minute and traded clipboards again.

"I'm allergic to penicillin?"

"Yeah. We discovered that when we were in Antarctica. You got hives, remember?"

"No."

"All over your arms. You told me that you felt like you were going though the DT's."

"Oh yeah. That sucked the big one."

"Dana!" Maggie whispered in shock.

"Well it did!"

Mulder chuckled a little and stood up to take their forms to the counter.

"Dana?"

"Hmm?"

"You probably shouldn't watch him so intently when he walks away. You might stare a hole right through his rear end."

"Mom!"

"Just sayin'."

"Sayin' what?" Mulder asked as he took his seat again.

"That my mom is a... mean person."

"Oh. Okay."

She picked up a magazine to hide her quickly flushing face, while Mulder just laughed. He was used to the way mother and daughter were around each other. Good natured ribbing that rarely went too far. When it did though, they would go weeks without speaking.

"Dana Scully and Fox Mulder? The doctors are ready for you."

They rose from the chairs and followed the nurse down the hall. Mulder placed his hand on the small of Scully's back, applying the slightest pressure. It was a touch of reassurance, and it did help her to breathe a little easier.

"Miss Scully, you'll be in room 4, and Mr. Mulder in room 5."

Mulder looked down at his partner and she sighed.

"Hey Scully, if I die... you can have my teeth."

"I hate you Mulder."

He pressed a short kiss to her forehead, gave her hand a little squeeze and went into room 5. Scully took a deep breath and stepped into room 4. She was not a fan of people putting sharp objects into her mouth. She could handle a routine cleaning, but filling a cavity or anything else outside the norm made her want to throw up.

She sat down in the chair that the nurse indicated, and after they checked her vitals, they tipped the chair back so she was laying flat. There was a TV mounted into the ceiling, and it was ironically comforting that _Mister Rogers Neighborhood_ was playing.

"Dana, we're going to go ahead and give you the laughing gas and then we'll do an IV."

"Did you give Mulder the laughing gas yet? Because I would love to see him loopy like that."

"He's out like a light."

"Is he at least drooling?"

The nurse just chuckled and shook her head.

"Okay," the doctor said, slipping the mask over her face. "I want you to count back from 100."

"I'm going to be the first person to not fall asleep."

"That's what your partner said. Count backwards, Dana."

"Why not forwards?"

"Because I said so."

"Ninety-nine... nin-ee ay... nie sevn..."

* * *

She woke with a start, a soft haze falling away from the sides of her vision.

"Mullah?" she half whispered. She couldn't feel her mouth. Or her tongue. Or half of her head.

"Mullah," she repeated, sitting up.

"Dana, don't try to sit up just yet," Maggie warned.

"Wha Mullah?"

"Fox is in the other room. He's just fine. You're both fine. Are you in pain?"

"Wanna milshay."

"You want a milkshake? Well, we'll see what the doctor says."

"Ah tired."

"I know. We just need to get you two home and then you can sleep."

"Seep is gud."

"Yes it is. I'm going to go help Mr. Skinner get Fox into the car and I'll be right back."

"Skinnuh?"

"Yes, he just came down to help me get you two home."

"He gon see me droolin'."

"I'm sure he won't mind dear. Just relax, I'll be right back."

Scully settled back against the cot and sighed. She reached up and poked herself in the cheek, then giggled a little. She tugged on her numb ear, wiggled her numb nose, and tried to blow a raspberry through her numb lips. She ended up spitting all over herself.

Her mother came back into the room and helped her to stand up.

"Can you walk, honey?"

"I'not a baby, mahm."

"Okay, just making sure. The car is parked right outside this door. We'll be there in just a minute."

They walked down the hallway and out a back door. Skinner was standing by the car, and he opened the passenger door.

"Nah, I wanna sit by Mullah," she slurred. Skinner chuckled and opened the side door.

"'Cully! Mah cheeks are faaaaaaaaatttttt!"

"Mine too. You hurtin'?"

"Nah. I feel weeeeerrrrrrdddd."

"Me too. Tired."

"Yeah."

Skinner closed the door and turned around to face Maggie, who was turning purple from holding back the laughter.

"I'm not sure if this is amusing or scary."

"Probably a little of both."

"I wish I had a video camera."

"Me too."

"I'll meet you at Dana's then."

"Thank you, Mr. Skinner."

"It's Walter. And you're welcome."

* * *

By the time they arrived and Scully's apartment, Mulder and Scully were giggling and poking each other. Maggie had been amused at first, but now she felt like she had preschoolers in the back seat.

"Would you two knock that off?"

"Don yell at me, mahm. Mullah stahted it!"

"Ah did not! Take it bahck!"

"You can't hit gulls!"

"My mouf huts."

"Me too."

"Hey, I cun kiss it an make it better."

"EW!"

Maggie pulled the car to a stop, and Skinner opened the back door to help Mulder.

"Hello, Skinner. You're bald," Mulder said, sliding out of the car.

"Yes, and you have a big nose," Skinner shot back. He'd always wanted to say that. "Let's get inside."

"This isn't my house!"

"You're going to stay with Scully for a few days."

"I wan my own couch."

"You're going to stay in a nice bed."

"'Cully's bed?"

"I really hope not. Now, one foot in front of the other."

The unlikely quartet finally made their way inside, and Maggie and Skinner deposited Mulder and Scully onto Scully's bed.

"I can't go to bed with mah shoes on!" Mulder shouted.

"Fox, don't shout, you need to rest your mouth. It's going to be sore later."

"Ah, man!"

Scully giggled and kicked her shoes off, narrowly missing giving Skinner a swift kick to the groin. He just rolled his eyes.

"Why don't you two just settle down for a bit. Just relax."

Scully nodded and closed her eyes while Mulder stared at her.

"'Cully? You takin' a nap?"

"Yup."

"Heh. We're sleepin' together."

"Gross."

Skinner wrinkled his nose in disapproval, and Maggie shook her head before they left the room.

"Walter, would you like something to drink before you go?"

"Yeah, something cold would be nice."

Maggie opened the fridge and frowned.

"All Dana has in here is iced tea and root beer."

"Just some water will be fine."

She took two glasses from the cupboard and filled them with ice water.

"How long do you think they'll be like this?"

"They'll probably sleep it off."

"Good. I don't want to have to get them field rated again."

"I feel like I have little kids again."

"I have never seen either one of them like this before."

"Dana had to have a tooth pulled when she was 8, and she was a little loopy, but not like this. I think they're feeding off of each other."

"As per usual."

"They really put you through a lot don't they?"

"Most agents turn their AD's hair gray. They turned mine loose."

"Ever sign up for hazard pay?"

"I tried once."

She smiled and found the prescriptions that the oral surgeon had written for her two whacked out charges.

"Do you want me to run to the pharmacy for you? I can pick up their medications so you don't have to leave."

"Would you? That would be great."

"Yeah, I'll go right now. Anything else I can pick up while I'm out?"

"No, I think we're okay."

"Alright. I'll be back soon."

He gave her a smile and headed for the front door.

* * *

"Hey Mulder, know what?" Scully asked, poking his shoulder.

"What?"

"You're kinda cute."

"I knew that already, Scully."

"I know."

"I know you know, you just told me."

"No, I know you know."

"Know what?"

"I don't know," she muttered, shaking her head and looking away from him.

"Hey Scully?"

"What?"

"You love me, right?"

"Yup."

"Okay. I love you too then."

"Okay."

They sighed together.

"Mulder, I feel so funny."

"I know. My mouth talks on its own."

"It does?"

"Yeah."

"My head hurts."

"Mine doesn't. Just my cheek. Did you punch me?"

"No."

"Alright."

"I wonder if they put implants where our teeth used to be."

"Nah, we'd taste 'em."

"Yeah, I guess."

"We wouldn't taste 'em! They don't taste like strawberries!"

"Oh, yeah."

Maggie entered the room and handed them each a small white pill.

"Okay kids, take these painkillers and go to sleep. It's getting late."

They obeyed her and settled back into the bed.

"Hey Maggie, I'm sleepin' with your daughter."

"Fox, that wasn't funny the first time you said it, and it wasn't funny the next 57 times either."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. Go to sleep, kids."

She kissed them each on the cheek, then left the room.

"Hey Scully," Mulder said, already feeling the effects of the hydrocodone.

"Yeah?"

"Your mom smells good."

"I know. Like lemons."

"Yeah, and mint."

"Yeah."

"You smell good too."

"I try," she remarked with a yawn.

"Night Scully. Love you."

"Love you too. And hydrocodone."

"Ditto."

* * *

A/N II: Crack fic I know, but I don't care. Everyone has to do one once!


End file.
